Steve's Blog

So this past month has been one of the most stressful times of my life. There have been a lot of new wonderful things going on, and some circumstances which have just made life hard to deal with.

So good news first.

I have been accepted to one of the Network Engineer positions at Liquid Web. I am very excited to be in this new department. I am excited for the challenge and opportunity to learn and lead my career into the direction that I have always wanted it to go. I have been spending most of my free time studying for my CCNA exam. I hope to take the exam after the initial shadowing period on the Network Team.

I have been trying to get more time recently to go to the gym every night. But it seems to be more and more impossible as times go on. I know I am not really fat, and that I should care about how I look only in my own eyes, but lets face it… I’m doomed unless I lose a bit of weight.

We (Kyle, Morgian, Russ and I), have finally found a house to rent. It is kinda in the ghetto and the house is a bit ghetto, but we will make it work. Currently it has these hideous spearmint gum colored walls. Whoever came up with that color scheme must have been blind. Nothing a bit of paint can’t fix. We signed the lease for that today and can start moving stuff in tomorrow. Hopefully be all moved in by Friday.

So that’s the good stuff going on in my life at the moment. Now for why I am feeling so stressed.

Being put on the Network Team is very exciting, although I have having a bit of “doubt” about my abilities. I know deep down that I will be fine and that I can more than capable of doing the job and going beyond what is asked of me in this position. But just as I had had doubt about my ability to be a Linux Server Administrator when I first started at Liquid Web, I am having doubt about my ability to be a Network Engineer. The steaks are much higher if I break something. It could cost the company millions in SLA credits for down time. As I am always careful and will always double check my work, its just a little scary. Due to my insecurities I have been spending a lot of time studying for my CCNA and have been putting a lot of emphasis on needed that study time. The more I study subnetting the worse I feel about it. I feel like I will never be able to the math in my head to do all that.

Moving has been a stress for me since July started. I have been so worried about having a place to live. I don’t like not knowing whats to come in my life, especially with that. I am glad that’s almost over. Now just got to move everything while working. This week is going to suck as I will be up late moving, and up early moving. Can’t wait til this is OVER!

Then on top of all that I find that my best friend (whom I deeply love in more ways than one) has been omitting information about his life to me. Not that I require he report to me or anything, but its nice to know what he is thinking and going through. And especially when I thought he might love me a bit back, he could have at least told me he didn’t instead of waiting til I heard it from facebook. Ok, ok, so he has a bf now. That’s great! I’m glad he is happy. But then his bf (a mutual “friend” who isn’t really a friend, but its the only way to describe it right now) decides to say hi to me. He has put a good deal of effort into ignoring me for the past two years. Makes me wonder if he just feels obligated to talk to me and see how I am doing just because I am hurting because of what has all happened. But ya know, I don’t give a fuck. I would prefer he just leave me alone and let me try to live out my life in peace in Lansing. I am sure I made him feel like an ass during that little chat. Which I know was not good of me to do. When I asked him “why talk to me now?” He just replies “I just wanted to say hi.” Yeah right… Even after deleting him from AIM and facebook he is still here, annoying me. I guess I am a bit hurt because I really would have liked to get to know him and be his friend back in the day when I still lived in Kalamazoo. But that ship has sailed. I am a new person with a new life, and I do NOT need people from Kalamazoo making my life hell again.

I just don’t know how to deal with this all anymore. I am so lonely here in Lansing. Sure I have my roommate, his friends and Morgian, but I still don’t have my own friends. The guys here in Lansing seem to be less friendly than the ones in Kalamazoo, making it very hard to meet guys to date or even just friends. Everyone says I put myself out there, but I do out, have a good time at the bars and other functions which I have time to attend with other gay guys. Yet, nothing seems to help. I don’t know what it is. I wish someone could just tell me something. I guess the only thing I can do is just go on with life, continue to work my ass off on my career and just hope that one day, love will find me too.